12 Cars Wrecked, 11 Girlfriends Waiting, 10 Unemployment Checks, 9 Missed Child Support Checks, 8 Skipped Classes, 7 Gun Purchases for "Safety", 6 Visit to Grandkids, 5 Ambien Refills, 4 Promises to "Do Better", 3 Cancer Free Checkups, 2 Trips to Detox, 1 Loss of Grammy and a Partridge and Pear Tree?

Happy Holidays to everyone near and far.  I pray that this finds each of you in good health and happiness. If you find a smile and laughter in amongst each crazy situation, you will survive.  

Taylor, Austin and I are living proof.  It has been a helluva a year.  My health is the same, but I am alive so that means it has been a great year!  Taylor works in a paintball store, plays paintball again and hopefully will still be in college in January.  (He is considering a career change?)  Austin graduates in June from High School and is doing great.  He will be going to the Technical College here locally and says it is too expensive to leave home and he will live off Mom for awhile.  He has been nominated for scholarship for the school he wants to go to, so we are thrilled and pray he gets it.  

That means after June, I really and truly won't have a kid in public school?? What the heck? That is not possible.  I am sure I have been doing this forever?  

I applied for Disability at my Doctor's suggestion and I am awaiting a response, we will see?  It is dismaying to me that I am not well enough to work.  

Ryan and Marlen still live in Draper, Utah and are doing great.  They have my wonderful Grandkids which I know most of you groan because you see pictures of them posted daily.  OK, so I like to brag.  These are my gifts in life!  Jonnie is 3, almost 4 and a treasure!  "Gwama, come home" he tells me this week, while he is waiting for us to get there for Christmas.  Little Kylie is 16 months and a handle full.  Which I think Ryan deserves! She is adorable and is getting everything the world sells for girls in PINK! I never had a girl before, it is not my fault! 

I was lucky enough this year to go with my twin brother Patrick, to France and Ireland.  It was on my Bucket List to see the Eiffel Tower and Pat said "I will take you to France if you will go with me to Ireland".  Wow, it was so beautiful and a trip of a lifetime! 

Toughest part of this year and my life is that I lost my Grandmother at the age of 95 this year.  I know that she lived a long life, but she was the love of my life and my closest friend and I was never ready to lose her.  I was lucky enough to be with her when she passed away, but the grief I think you carry for a long time.  She was a beautiful lady and tough as nails.  

I guess I have to mention Greg? It is not an honorable mention I assure you.  He has totaled so many cars this year, lost 3 jobs, lives in a motel down the street, but is gainfully employed right now, (I mean this second (1:38 12/16/2010) and the kids do not speak to him anymore it is too painful for them.  What can I say, he has chosen a different life than we choose and we are moving on the best we can.  

So, tomorrow we are leaving to go to Utah and have a wonderful Christmas with all the kids and grandkids together and it will be a joy! 

 Next Year will be a "Joyous Year" and we will have tons to share! And I am sure you will too!

Love,

Julia, Taylor, and Austin

      

When are you too OLD to get a TATTOO?

Try picturing your Grandmother's ankle or shoulder with a nice rosebud or butterfly tattooed on it? Does this gross you out or do you smile fondly? My Grandmother passed away this year at 95 and until the last year was a real go-getter.  She was outspoken about politics, racism, laziness, horse racing and aging.  I am guessing that she never had a tattoo, but she may have and never showed me.  It may have been a private personal issue.  I could see her having a race horse that she owned in her younger days, put in a small secluded spot on her back? Or her husbands name? I hate to say it, but knowing her, it was probably one of her dogs names.  She always liked dogs more than people.  It probably says "Sue Ellen" or "Hey You" and she would wear it proudly.

So why is it when a woman of my particular age, (53) says that she is thinking of a small tattoo with JUST LETTERS, my sons think I am getting full sleeves of dancing naked men?  How about a nice flower? The Om symbol? 

Reading a note a friend put on facebook, she commented on a tattoo that she had been thinking about, her grown daughter's reply was shock before she even saw it!  My friend wanted to put "mi vida loca" or my crazy life which I thought was great.  This woman is making a new start in her life and is doing wonderfully and maybe wants to celebrate it?

Me? My Tattoo? I want "GWAMA"  WHY?  Because I made it? It is my crowning achievement.  I lived long enough to be a Grandmother!  I am so proud and so blessed to be alive after a diagnosis's of cancer 4 1/2 years ago.  For me, when I started down this road I didn't believe...NOW I do....I can live forever with hope.  And the word "GWAMA"  represents my hope for the future and my joy for the present.  I don't care if my skin is wrinkled and freckled, I am getting this tattooed!

SNAPPED.......not like "snap..crack...pop..!

A friend of mine who was going through a pretty rough time and still seeing the "sunny side" of things, told me about this book, "Five Wishes" and suggested I read it. Wow! I was so surprised when reading it also at how simple is seemed to just start looking at these in a slightly different way, you felt more positive and positive flows started opening up around you.

I know that you are waiting for the "other shoe to fall" and me to make some smart remark, but really, I like the way it felt! Just maybe this guy was on to something? I know he had never met my X, or my other X, or lived my deliciously easy style of home life wavering between poverty and overabundance daily. But what the hell? Maybe, just maybe if we threw the "X out with the bathwater" and closed our eyes and clicked our "Ruby Red" slippers together and said over and over "we are not in Kansas anymore", we would be taken back to a place a sobriety and bliss?

You can see for yourself that any change comes from within and I really do not want to make the assumption that it can't be done. Because I think it can! And I do feel it for myself! And it feels great! It should be a mantra of hope for me and others...."I think I can, I think I can.."

Just remember that when you live with an addict, or used to live with an addict they are and always will be numbero uno! They know no other way! When they are getting sober it makes sense, to put their sobriety first, when they are a using narcissistic pain in the ass, I question that?

It does not matter that they have kids,wife, house, job, drugs and getting high will always come first. And they always sing the same old song.....I call it "Catch and Release". It is when they are not high on that given second, it means they are now SOBER! I know, I know.....what have you done for me lately?

I joke about "snapped" because there is a point where I want to scream to try to get through to someone who cannot hear me. How" dare" I go on a vacation when the addict is stuck in a hotel high, with no car, cuz he totaled it and I paid to have it towed away? How "dare" I not give him my car to drive because he totaled his car in a blackout and he has no insurance. How "dare" those kids not treat me with respect when I am calling all night long because I lost a car I do not even own? How "dare" I lost my debit card in a blackout and then think my kids took some money? How "dare" his X and his Kids and their Friends BUY him a car and deliver it to him so he has a way to his NEXT new job praying that he can keep it for more than 3 weeks until his next refill? Then who will SNAP first?

The New Beginning..or.The Jerk Left Us High and Dry?

As we all know it is always better to take the high road? To be the "better" person, to speak nice things or say nothing at all....then the reality of the situation hits you right between the eyes and you think,"this is a bunch of bull crap". As my head pounds from so much stress of how to provide for my two sons, one in high school and one in college and how to provide health care for myself upon learning that living with someone for 28 years does not insure that they will provide these things for you and your children, upon them running away.

I thought that running away was a high school prank that girls did when their parents would not let them date a pierced tattooed scary kid? (Taylor is not scary at least). 58 year old men DO NOT run away? Maybe I am naive, maybe this is more common than you think? If it is, please let me know, because people are keeping it really on the down low...... And if I was the 58 year old jerk I would at least moved to a obscure island where no one knew me and get a tan and drink mai tai's and acted like I was somebody.....not live in a dive hotel with every other old man without a home or jail cell and walk up and down a main street by the high school where your kids friends could see you. Have some compassion for your kid.

These days I think Hotels are expensive? So instead of paying daily and then asking me where are the children and I going to live when I have to let the house foreclose because you did not make the house payments and didn't bother to tell me, walk off the end of the earth (which is flat you know, dumbass) and leave a life insurance policy big enough to pay the mortgage so your OWN kids have a roof over their head.

How do you explain to these kids that have already watched the demise of their father over the years and made jokes about it to cover their embarrassment to their friends, that he is a selfish jerk who at this "golden age" had decided to put himself first? This is a joke right? He has put himself first, since the very first day he arrived on this planet and just now he has decided to say it out loud, that is the only difference.

So as we "pull ourselves up by our boot straps and march together in unison and sing "we shall overcome" I know that Taylor, Austin and myself will be proud knowing that we did it without any help from the Jerk, BUT we did it with help from our loving family and friends that have already showed us that this behavior is really and truly not how normal people are and we DO NOT have to EVER follow in his footsteps....

The Big Intersection of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of my Happiness...

I live in a little town, that has this big ass intersection. We are talking about 52 years of life all in one stop sign, looking left, right, across, which way to go? If you are like me you always knew which way to go. The way my Mom, Dad, Grandmother, Brother, Husband or Friend told me to.....It would be fine. A person doesn't have to question his or her direction if someone else is calling the shots or be responsible for the outcome. And for me I am guessing the later fit my personality the best.

But this year I ran into an intersection I just could not navigate. On ramps, cloverleafs, Off ramps, Detours and Roadblocks. There had to be another way to make my way down the road of life? Every time I got close to the intersection, I put on the brakes and said "not yet, I am not ready". And then my Dad died. Then I tried again thinking I could get alittle farther. My Mom thought she wanted to drive and that was just not happening. I was literally driving back and forth on the same road day after day trying to find my OWN way in life.

January came and the roads were icy and snowy and hard to drive on . No one wants me to drive on those kind of roads. By the end of January I put away my childlike fears of that intersection, strapped on those chains and flew as fast as I could through the snow and ice to get to my Grandmothers. She passed away 2 hours later in my arms. Just think, if I had listened to all of my fears and everyone telling me to "Be careful"? I would have missed one of the most important moments in my OWN life.

This woman was my pillar of strength, one of the true loves of my life, and the one person in my life that loved me unconditionally ALL of my life. What an honor to be there with her. So I take her strength home and even in my loneliness and despair of losing her, I have love.

As the months have passed, the pain has eased, but my love for her has not. Nor the courage that I got from her. Situations that I have lived with for years that were so unacceptable to me and my morals and beliefs became so painful that it was time to end them. So when I got to THAT intersection, I said "yes you can go through the road, but you can never come back".

Now when I pull out on to the road of life, I smile. My little green bug takes me down the road and I know I will make it and I can decide each and every turn I want to make......

The UGLY TRUTH

Who is this guy and can I throw him off the balcony? All the woman that read this will gasp in horror and all the men will go, "Hmmm.. makes sense to me?"

Give me an F...ing break!

Has anyone ever said to you, "if you changed how you dress and change how you look, you might attract someone of the opposite sex to marry and take care of you?" ( I think my X was looking for his "get out of jail free card").

OK, I have to say it again....Give me an F..in Break!

At my age, I think that it is probably, pretty much set in stone, unless they gave me bariatric surgery. And I know that ain't going to happen because that is where my cancer is and I am kind of partial to my lovely ponch. Whenever I have a surgery, I always ask, "Can I have a tummy tuck with that?", like it is French Fries at Mickey D's? Doctors have absolutely NO sense of humor on the operating table. They always give you that look of disapproval, over their glasses. God I wish they would joke in a stressful situation, because when I am stressed I can come up with a million one-liners.....

My Girlfriend just bought one of those gravity beds and you can lay upside down and I COULD get taller, but I do not think he was talking about that?

Face....hmmm....This same lovely nameless idiot says, "are those new glasses?" "yes", praying that he will keep his upbeat ego boosting comments to himself reply's, "oh, I noticed that they must be at least bifocals if not trifocals because the way they lie against your face, it accents your bags under your eyes. Gee thanks jerk face, I say to myself trying to get away from this obvious play on my affections? This face is mine, wrinkles and all, and I earned them all and I do not want to look permanently surprised. Besides then I wouldn't look like my siblings and that would suck.... We belong together.

I know if I lost 50 lbs, my boobs would shrink and my belly would hang down lower. Honest, I have seen really old people undressed. My cheeks wouldn't be so full and my eyes would sag and I am convinced I would look older. It is my twin with the "dewy complexion", not me.

Changing the way I dress, just makes me laugh harder. OK, OK...I am not a fashion plate, but I am ALWAYS comfortable! Just never thought that the clothes made the person? And I live in Bellingham for damn sakes! Anything goes....go to the market naked and they would ask you would you like "paper or plastic", that is it....The reason you grow older and become more comfortable with yourself and your values is exactly that, YOU GROW UP!

SO, it comes down to maybe, just maybe that person does not like you or they would prefer a much younger, cuter, hip version? Or MAYBE they are getting old and they cannot face it?

When you are watching old slides (yes, slides) and they say "look how smoothe your skin is, or isn't that girl cute" (funny huh)?

For a woman, this is like anarchy...come out fighting and take no prisoners! But remember I am a MATURE (old) adult and I can rise above?

Do men really think they do not age? Do they not think their bellys stick out or that they REALLY do have hair on their backs and growing out their ears? I am curious and maybe I should take a poll? Why is it that women have to keep everything held up (spanx etc..) and men just buy bigger clothes?

I believe that women are beautiful in all sizes and shapes, and with age comes grace...... Men grow older and wider and just yell "Can I have another beer with that"?

OR maybe, just maybe I just know a clueless one?.........NOW, should we address how you could change so that you could find a WOMAN to take care of you?

Bliss...Where do I buy it and How much does it cost?

It is Monday morning on the week of Christmas and I am trying to contain my anxiety, irritation and anger, and find bliss? Bliss, Bless, I kind of lump them together for whatever reason. They should always go together. Maybe I should have had girls and named them that? (Might be hooker names, as my boys would say?) It might be the only way to find it?

Every year when we sit down to write the "Christmas Newsletter" I am stuck with the same quandary, do I lie? I noticed that it is alot harder this year. So then I gave two columns, blessings and miseries. Guess which one was longest? Ok..OK...I can do this....can you turn your misery's into blessings? I am much better at this. For instance:

My Dad dies March 28, 2009 of Lung Cancer. My ex-husband's birthday is March 28th. Good one, huh?

Ok, lets try another one....I went to Tuscon twice this year and the sun felt nice. First of all I am a Ginger and I hate the heat, second of all who in there right mind would go to Tuscon when you live in a tropical paradise? I know...I have friends that live for the sun. I WENT with my TWIN, Patrick, also a Ginger. We whine alot in the heat. The reason that we went was a blessing, my Dad was really sick and we got to visit with him. The second time we went 3 weeks later, was to get my Grandmother (95) out of his house before "Cruella" sold her at a garage sale. My Dad had died the day before.

Heh, I am getting the hang of this....blessings...hmmm....we had a lovely service for my dad in April, in Richland, Washington. We put him across from his brother in a wall and it is a very pretty place. Come July, he is going to think he is still in Tuscon? (1000 degrees...)

Oh least I forget, Cruella had a lovely garage sale in Tuscon on the day of my Dad's service and sold all my Dad's things and my Grandmother's that were not nailed down. If that was his wife doing that, can you imagine what his enemies were doing? Oh..I know...they were waiting patiently across the street for it to be over, so Cruella could take the remaining stuff to HIS house. I love a grieving widow.....

BIG BLESSING...I got a girl, and I did not have to give birth to her!! I know I love to brag about my grandkids, but they are exceptional, just ask me. Kylie Renee Stewart was born July19th, 2009 in Draper, Utah. Beautiful, dark, like her Mom. She joins Jonnie the cutest and funniest little boy ever. Again, just ask me. The only misery that I can put to this is that my daughter in law Marlen, TOLD me she was going to give birth on the 20th of July and I believed her? Yes, yes..I know, she had no control over that. Austin and I were in Richland, Washington visiting my Grandmother when we got the call that Marlen was in labor. Austin and I looked at each other, threw all of our stuff in the truck, kissed Gram and off we went. 15 hours of pedal to the metal, from a girl who refuses to speed. I told Austin, "we will just tell the cop, we are having a baby and he will understand, drive faster!"

We did miss the birth, but what we got was so worth the trip.....these new fangled parents that have these rules about what you can and can't do (Do I sound like my Grandmother, yet?) Ryan and Marlen said if you hold her too much she will get used to it. Wasn't that the point? So then I had to be guarded. Whenever they left the room, went to the bathroom, if I got lucky to the market, you grab her and hold her. I saw a part of me that was not too pretty. I counted how long other people held her when they came to visit, and then I wanted reciprocal time. Seemed fair to me? I finally asked, "why did you have her then, if you aren"t going to hold her all the time?" Ok..OK...but remember my kids are perfect, LOL, and I held them all the time?

Blessing...Bliss....oh yeah, Cruella MARRIED the geezer across the street already. Blessing, I never have to see her or talk to her again, and she no longer has my Dad's last name. That's a good one, huh?

More blessings...non of my kids got arrested, totaled their cars or went to jail this year! (Remember that was last year...)

Taylor brought another animal home, a lovely 70 lb baby Malmut/Black Lab. Misery or Blessing, I have yet to decide? Bruno the Boston likes her, you pay alot more for a spay on a over 60 lb. dog. (I could have starved her for a week, had I known)

Taylor moved out on his own with a whole bunch of buddies for six months. Taylor moved back home with the dog. Blessing or misery, you decide?

Austin is obsessed with boats and now he boasts THREE in my backyard. Ooops...I must be confused, it is HIS backyard now. But blessing is he still will camp out on the boat with me one time a summer. My favorite thing to do.

Who are we down to? Julia and Greg......He works, gets paid well, gives everything he makes to the kids, and his miserable in the Pacific Northwest. Hmm... I guess nothing has changed this year?

Here we go. On your mark, get set.....I am still alive! It does not get better than that. I am 3 1/2 years out from my cancer and no tumors yet. YEAH! Yeah, yeah... I got a million things wrong with me, but who cares... I am still here.

Got fired this year in April, the week after I returned from my Dad's passing. To sickly and missed too much work.....BLESSING! MY President gave me unemployment and I have been able to rest and have some fun while going hungry? OK that is a lie, I do not go hungry.

MAJOR BLESSING, my twin Patrick and I have got to go on trips together, just the two of us and just laugh and laugh at life. Ok, so some were a downer..funeral, etc..but we can find a joke in anything.

BLESSING: My friends have warmed my heart, and been so wonderful no matter if hell was freezing over or I was ready to jump off a cliff. My friends rock!

Next year at this time, I am quite sure that everything listed will be blessings.......I will be a better liar by then......